I don’t want to be alive anymore
currently i am sitting at my desk in my room, pretending to study. in actuality, i’m eating cool mint oreos (even though I don’t really like oreos) and drinking passion tea lemonade. i like 8 pumps of classic in mine. that’s ridiculously sweet. but i’m southern, so it’s acceptable. right?
i’m watching my turtle swim back and forth in his tank. it looks like it could be really peaceful in there. usually he just hides under his dock. i wonder if it’s too hot for him in there sometimes, but even with his lamp turned down, he stays under the dock. maybe he’s just shy.
in some ways i’m writing to avoid studying. in other ways i’m writing because i have the desire to write. it’s been a really long time since i felt like i wanted to reach out to anyone. maybe it’s a sign of healing.
anyways, even though i’m not planning on gaining many followers, i feel like i need to introduce myself a little bit. you already know my name and my age, and now you know that i have a pet turtle. i do have a boyfriend that i’m head-over-heels for, but i feel like i’m not really all girly and terrible about being head-over-heels for him. anybody who talks to me knows i adore him, but he’s not the subject of every conversation and i don’t sit around and miss him desperately when we’re not together. i feel like i have waited around for him for years. my first boyfriend raped me and my second boyfriend was emotionally abusive. so i haven’t exactly had the best “luck” when it comes to relationships. it has taken a long time to even begin to move past those things. but i learn a little more every day and i try not to linger when i think of those things. in some ways i want to be an advocate to help protect people from being hurt the way i have been hurt; in others, i want to pretend nothing bad has ever happened to me. i have struggled with depression and anxiety since i was sixteen, but i have worried constantly about coming across as those girls that use mental illness as a means for attention. i do have panic attacks, although i haven’t had one in several months now, and i do have days when i don’t want to get out of bed (although it has been several weeks since i have felt that terrible). so there has been sizeable improvement in recent history. that’s a nice feeling. maybe one day i can be free.
I’ve been hurt so many times before that every time you say something sweet to me, I want to dissolve. Because how can this last forever? Please last forever. Don’t go away from me.
You make me feel capable. Adequate. Like maybe I can be enough for myself one day. And that’s how I know how truly wonderful you are. That’s how I know how much I love you. That’s how I know that we’ll last. Because you make me brave in ways I have not been since I was raped. When I say you make me whole I mean you make me able to sustain the feeling of “whole.” You enable me to do this for myself, to get better. And, darling, that is why I want desperately to be with you forever. You don’t try and change me. But you give me strength to change.
my name is allie, and i’m 19. i’m not new to tumblr. i’m not looking for followers, but you’re welcome to follow if you stumble across me. i wanted a place to write.